One Day to Another

I have never been this close to attaining a goal of this magnitude. A goal that is a life time goal. A goal that is so big to me that as of today I am a whole week away from accomplishing. So many people have been asking how does it feel are you excited. The truth is I am scared as hell. I am scared of messing up and I just missed the goal. I am scared of my life changing completely because of the change that can come in accomplishing this goal. I am scared of being disappointed like have be soon many time before. Yet with all this fear I know it must be done. This is where my biggest fear resides. I have to look all these fears stair them in the eye and leap into a vast unknown. A blackness of which my hopes are not even seen. A place where my thoughts are lost and I struggle to hang on to them. This change is something I thought I would never be afraid, but because of the past I am still apprehensive to the idea. I am still apprehensive because what if the actions takes everything aw

So, I am at the coffee shop again for my less distraction then home studying time. Also it could be an excuse to get good coffee. Anyways off the philosophical part of my regular writings. Today, I meet up with one of my friends who has helped me through some large problems. We are talking about our friends and our ex's and what we have done. The conversation came up that I need to get away from the girls I have been going after. These girls are just not the ones I should go for. The fact is, he is right. He continued with the conversation stating I need to find a girl who is in college or something close to me stop going after the girls who are going "no where." The more and more I think about that through out the day the more I agree. I think one of the biggest parts to this equation is the "what if's" in life. Such as what if I am with a girl and the what if occurs that a child gets involved in the situation. Knowing that most of my relationship problems

So as my last post had indicated, I have had a problem with a rut that has been plaguing me. I believe I know what the cause of this plague is, but I am still trying to find away out of it. As expressed in post on here and Facebook, one of doing this would be to pack it up and leave the area and find a new location. This idea sounds like a great idea but it can't be done at the current time. So with that said I have been trying to find an antidote to this problem, how can I get away from this constant bombardment of infection that can cause me to alter my current behavior into one of displeasure and the wanting to run to the comfort of my room. how can I remove my self from the cancer. The only thing I could think of doing is by letting myself go and understanding that dwelling and being affected by what I see is doing more damage then just accepting it. I know that I will always feel that pain that I do receive when ever I see the brew mix together, but I need to learn to let go,

I am slowly finding that the changes that I have been striving for have not come. The changes that do occur do not affect the situation as I hoped they would. The last couple of months have been some of the most stressful days I have ever had to endure, yet the only big change to come is that I should be graduating in December. That one change well be the highlight of the last two years, besides a huge life goal. The only problem is, it seems that besides the stress that I have to go through to make sure this accomplished, I feel that this goal is overlooked by the daily stuff I have to go through. These pains and aches slowly diminishing me and not allowing my scares to scab over. How can one fully move on when the environment they are in does not allow those scares to heal? How can one one truly look forward when their view is constantly blocked by those who cause the pain? How can one listen to embraceable words when the meaning of them is altered the minute the pain causer arrives

Wow so I have written anything on here for a long time, and a long time meaning a month. So what has happened, well lets see school has gone crazy, I got a semi promotion, and a gentle reminder of why being single is the best thing to do. So lets hit on these three issues. First of all school. School has become very crazy due to papers and classes. I filled out my graduation application and I felt so good when I was done like I am almost done with something that I tried so hard to finish. This goal has had so so so many obstacles that have almost made me fall over. The funny thing is the third topic keeps adding obstacles to my first topic which in turn really drives me crazy. I think I need to stop certain things such as going to parties and staying up to hours to go against topic 3. I need to accomplish school, that's the only thing that may keep me going, something I need. The second thing is the promotion at work, which really did not feel like anything special but it does look

In yesterdays post I talked about the amount of stress that I am placing myself in and stretching myself so thin that I am actual feeling a real effect of it. I began to look at everything that I am doing and the hell that I am placing myself into which a very bad situation, one that could place my whole future in a hell. I am seeing that because I am trying to do so many things that I am actually being very shellfish and not doing the right thing. I have so much that is riding on me and yes I need to have fun, but I also need to remember there are other things that should be holding precedence over. Its time to get thing straight and see there is a definitive path in which I must follow to make sure my future at hand, the way it may happen won't be changed because of poor choices on my part. Its time to close one window, and begin to look out another to see a new view, picture, hope for the future.

SO I had a nervous break down and anxiety attack last night during a party, I was able to only have the attack in my mind but it tore me to shreds and caused me to just disappear from the party. I woke up this mourning with a feeling of failure, like everything I am doing right now is failed attempt. I finally got that thought out of my mind but a new feeling flooded in which was stress that I could not allow the previous feeling to become to true. I really can't describe the feeling besides a quote in Lord of the Rings were Bilbo Baggins says "I feel like butter being stretched across a piece of bread that is to big." This feeling is even effecting me in a physical way in which my body is sore and I am tired even though I slept enough. My mind is in so many places at once that I become exhausted just by seating around due the fact I cant think of 1 thing not even 2 things but so many things that I just feel like I am going crazy. Something is in need of desperate change

So everyone on any day hopes, or predicts the day is going to be a certain way. A hope that our life will go a certain and laid down path. The only problem this prediction goes haywire most if not all the time. The most of the time is directed towards me. An example of this yesterday were I began to think that "today is going to be a great day", in fact I placed it on facebook because of the degree I knew it was going to happen. Will through half of my shift of work that prediction was so beyond wrong that I even said to myself I can't predict things at all. So now on to the point about self predictions and how often we do it and hope for it to happen. I know one of the biggest prediction times is the four years of high school were most people hope for the most fruitful future, or the most predictable quote "Ohh we are going to be together for so long." This longing that the future is going to be the amazing picture of a person and his or hers chosen path of th

So I am on week 4 or 5 I cannot really tell do to the fact I think time has been going warp speed there for making small increments of time such as weeks unimportant. The first few glimpses of school went very will until it hay wire and papers were do in every class a long with a large amount of writing. The last couple of days (okay fine so days and week as time increments are important) have placed my self in state of stress and nervousness. A feeling that I would think that I am use to, but not at all due to the fact I think I have been in it before... WRONG. This feeling is even worse because so much is standing on getting the papers done, writing good discussions, reading all the papers. If I do good these things well get my ultimate goal of graduating. So the stress is even worse and in fact it has become painful to keep up with the stress levels. Other problem is that my stress relief of working out cannot be done anymore so I do not have the relief anymore. The one good thing f

So the last couple of days have been very interesting if not been some of the best days. Even they day I thought to have turned out bad really wasn't bad at all. Sometimes it takes a rain storm to clear the dirt covering your vision to open up your eyes to the truth that lies in front of you. It also might help to have people around you, show you things that you would usually over look. There is so much that each person has to them yet that individual might not even know who they are until they do something for them to notice it. Each person has been engineered to be some type of person because the majority says that is the way to be. This engineered view makes people believe that they are not the way they should be. I started to realize this when someone told me I need to have confidence in myself, I NEED to BELIEVE in myself, I am worth more then what a group of people say. This is true for every person, each of us has a quality that is unmatched by another. We have flaws that wh

A title that makes so so much sense. So the last week has been a true slap in the face of how m uch I need to buckle down again in order to succeed in school. The only problem is, I have yet to put on the belt and strap down. In fact so much that I haven't been able to get my paper done because I haven't put time aside to do it so not its 2326 and only half ways down with this paper. I think I probably wouldn't even be that far if it wouldn't have been for last. fm playing in the background. Anyways, I guess I should stop trying to think of what to write here and get back to that lovely paper I am typing... I guess...

So I woke up right on time at 8 this morning and went to Madera canyon for hiking. I got there feeling the feeling of hiking and ready for the go. It wasn't cold but a cooler temperature then usual. As I got further up the mountain there was still un-melted snow that blanketed the dark dark soil. I kept going with some stop, do to a sinus affection that is still bothering me, but I didn't let that stop me. I have to say going on this hike made me feel ready for the challenges ahead of me. Today starts a large amount of challenges ahead of me, but a challenge I am ready to endure since it is the thing that brings something new and something better to come. This is odd I am doing really really good at writing positive logs now... Here to another day...

So school has started and opened the covers for the spring of 2010. This is going to be the largest class load I have taken, but I am thinking that it will not feel so bad. Two of the online classes seem very interesting and the teachers appear to be very enthused in teaching them. HUM 120 seems to be a little harder then I predicted, but I am not worried because I feel that I am already ahead and want to keep the pace due to the fact the items I am reading are some what interesting. The special education class has not fully grabbed my attention, but I have feeling there will be at least one conversation were it will spark my flame and get me into the mood of the class. The other two classes start on Wednesday and Thursday, one with a teacher I dislike her view and how she teaches, but she does do a good job the way she does it. The other one I am not sure yet, but I am ready to go and see what I have in front of me. I have noticed that since school has started that my free time has d

So another year has gone by, a year which was a harder one then that of the other years I have gone through. The thing about this year is that I determined that I was going to live life and truly take it what the world giveth thy. I guess one of the main reason why I have decided to go about doing this is because of my recent philosophy class. This class has truly opened my mind and an even greater placement. I tend to read into items greater then they should, but I have learned to truly understand the view that is being delivered, but to combine that with my views and figure the best viewpoint. My recent task is to try to be single, and it has been a challenge and I am only in to day 4. This challenge is hard, and even more so since I want have a relationship... will one that is good in other words. I have seen though that it has become a little easier to be sociable amongst people male or female since I decided to go about this. I have also learned that there is a lot of life offe