One Day to Another

One of my new years resolutions is to find myself. I am a person in reality, whatever I think reality is, but I want to find the true parts of me instead of what the culture around me wants me to be. I guess that can be a little confusing so what I want to find out is the true me, not the me that is defined by others. So in order to do this I have begun thinking about things I like to do. Once this list is created I want to try everything on that list and see what happens. Actually enjoy everyday instead of dreading a day. The past five years have been a struggle of me and conforming to others. I believe its time to let me win this time. I believe it is time to "do me". I have earned it in my opinion. I have graduated from a university, I have completed many years of work, I have survived hardship of the emotional types. It is time for me to let all of this stress go and it is time to move forward and relax. I think the next couple of weeks are going to be simply put amazing.

01/09/2011 is a date that shall be remembered in this desert community forever. A day that felt normal to many, but changed the mind set of millions. 01/09/2011 challenged America to find the wrong that has been covered by other items. It had revealed that this senseless act of pain is an attack on all not just the left, right or any side but all of us. 01/09/2011 has taken our past, future and present by storm and distorted the matrix and allows us to see how far apart we are when we should be close. 01/09/2011 is a tragedy like that of other tragedies in the past. A tragedy that we all came together for a brief moment to build an environment that helps us thrive and become a coping country. The only problem is that 01/09/2011 tragedy should not follow the others, but become an event that helps the desert community, state, country, and world to understand the importance to become a thriving humanity that understands each person and comes together. 01/09/2011 shall be the date that era...

I have never been this close to attaining a goal of this magnitude. A goal that is a life time goal. A goal that is so big to me that as of today I am a whole week away from accomplishing. So many people have been asking how does it feel are you excited. The truth is I am scared as hell. I am scared of messing up and I just missed the goal. I am scared of my life changing completely because of the change that can come in accomplishing this goal. I am scared of being disappointed like have be soon many time before. Yet with all this fear I know it must be done. This is where my biggest fear resides. I have to look all these fears stair them in the eye and leap into a vast unknown. A blackness of which my hopes are not even seen. A place where my thoughts are lost and I struggle to hang on to them. This change is something I thought I would never be afraid, but because of the past I am still apprehensive to the idea. I am still apprehensive because what if the actions takes everything aw...

So, I am at the coffee shop again for my less distraction then home studying time. Also it could be an excuse to get good coffee. Anyways off the philosophical part of my regular writings. Today, I meet up with one of my friends who has helped me through some large problems. We are talking about our friends and our ex's and what we have done. The conversation came up that I need to get away from the girls I have been going after. These girls are just not the ones I should go for. The fact is, he is right. He continued with the conversation stating I need to find a girl who is in college or something close to me stop going after the girls who are going "no where." The more and more I think about that through out the day the more I agree. I think one of the biggest parts to this equation is the "what if's" in life. Such as what if I am with a girl and the what if occurs that a child gets involved in the situation. Knowing that most of my relationship problems...

So as my last post had indicated, I have had a problem with a rut that has been plaguing me. I believe I know what the cause of this plague is, but I am still trying to find away out of it. As expressed in post on here and Facebook, one of doing this would be to pack it up and leave the area and find a new location. This idea sounds like a great idea but it can't be done at the current time. So with that said I have been trying to find an antidote to this problem, how can I get away from this constant bombardment of infection that can cause me to alter my current behavior into one of displeasure and the wanting to run to the comfort of my room. how can I remove my self from the cancer. The only thing I could think of doing is by letting myself go and understanding that dwelling and being affected by what I see is doing more damage then just accepting it. I know that I will always feel that pain that I do receive when ever I see the brew mix together, but I need to learn to let go,...

I am slowly finding that the changes that I have been striving for have not come. The changes that do occur do not affect the situation as I hoped they would. The last couple of months have been some of the most stressful days I have ever had to endure, yet the only big change to come is that I should be graduating in December. That one change well be the highlight of the last two years, besides a huge life goal. The only problem is, it seems that besides the stress that I have to go through to make sure this accomplished, I feel that this goal is overlooked by the daily stuff I have to go through. These pains and aches slowly diminishing me and not allowing my scares to scab over. How can one fully move on when the environment they are in does not allow those scares to heal? How can one one truly look forward when their view is constantly blocked by those who cause the pain? How can one listen to embraceable words when the meaning of them is altered the minute the pain causer arrives...

Wow so I have written anything on here for a long time, and a long time meaning a month. So what has happened, well lets see school has gone crazy, I got a semi promotion, and a gentle reminder of why being single is the best thing to do. So lets hit on these three issues. First of all school. School has become very crazy due to papers and classes. I filled out my graduation application and I felt so good when I was done like I am almost done with something that I tried so hard to finish. This goal has had so so so many obstacles that have almost made me fall over. The funny thing is the third topic keeps adding obstacles to my first topic which in turn really drives me crazy. I think I need to stop certain things such as going to parties and staying up to hours to go against topic 3. I need to accomplish school, that's the only thing that may keep me going, something I need. The second thing is the promotion at work, which really did not feel like anything special but it does look...