SO I had a nervous break down and anxiety attack last night during a party, I was able to only have the attack in my mind but it tore me to shreds and caused me to just disappear from the party. I woke up this mourning with a feeling of failure, like everything I am doing right now is failed attempt. I finally got that thought out of my mind but a new feeling flooded in which was stress that I could not allow the previous feeling to become to true. I really can't describe the feeling besides a quote in Lord of the Rings were Bilbo Baggins says "I feel like butter being stretched across a piece of bread that is to big." This feeling is even effecting me in a physical way in which my body is sore and I am tired even though I slept enough. My mind is in so many places at once that I become exhausted just by seating around due the fact I cant think of 1 thing not even 2 things but so many things that I just feel like I am going crazy. Something is in need of desperate change if I am to succeed at my goals that I set in front of me but I am not sure how to fix this, and have no idea were to start. As I sit here I feel that feeling that I had yesterday, there is so much expectation that people have in you and when you know it can hurt you so much. Last night it was my friends telling me to go and talk to girls and have fun so I did that with other things on my mind that I don't want to divulge here right now. This mix of items on my mind knocked one domino over and it hasn't stopped its destruction yet.
In yesterdays post I talked about the amount of stress that I am placing myself in and stretching myself so thin that I am actual feeling a real effect of it. I began to look at everything that I am doing and the hell that I am placing myself into which a very bad situation, one that could place my whole future in a hell. I am seeing that because I am trying to do so many things that I am actually being very shellfish and not doing the right thing. I have so much that is riding on me and yes I need to have fun, but I also need to remember there are other things that should be holding precedence over. Its time to get thing straight and see there is a definitive path in which I must follow to make sure my future at hand, the way it may happen won't be changed because of poor choices on my part. Its time to close one window, and begin to look out another to see a new view, picture, hope for the future.
Comments
Post a Comment