I am here typing at 6 o'clock in the morning, a little unsure why I am. What I do know is that I haven't been able to fall asleep since 5. So many items have been flying through me head the last several days and I believe that those items are to be blamed for the insomnia.
These items have been mainly about my past, the errors I have made and how often I have brought myself just to knock myself down. I am noticing that must of my errors that I have made are that of my own. My very worse critic has been myself. My ultimate cause for destruction has been done by me. I have not been able to give myself a good appraisal and devalued myself so much that in my mind I have not been worth much. This inappropriate value has caused myself so many unneeded issues, problems and self inflected wounds. To be honest I am not sure why this has happened, nor unsure of what has made me this way. The one thing that I have noticed is that people give me a higher value then that I have given myself. I never understood why they did, or how they see me more then I see myself.
One thing that has been going through my head a lot is a question that I got asked during a polygraph, "Are your parents disappointed in you". I wanted to be so honest about this I told what I thought was the truth, and that was yes. I felt like I was failure to them because I was still home, because I haven't made anything of myself, the way my dad acted towards me. I keep on thinking that is one of the reasons I didn't make past, that one question was seen as a character flaw. I think that my mom saw that I fell into this belief. She keeps on telling me that she is proud of me, that I shouldn't put myself done. She knows I have made errors, yet she knows that I would do my best to correct those errors. I am finally realizing that my parents are proud of me and I need to fully understand that.
Over the course of this single blog, one could tell how often I wrote about "building myself up" and the next entry is how I fell apart. The falling apart was just caused by my own doing, my own wrecking ball, my own will. I have destroyed myself and rebuilt on that same ruble that I was destined to fall apart again do to my own destruction. I have learned my areas, and this time I am going to finally clear the ruble, find the foundation and build myself up properly. I know there are going to be some flaws, but I am going to fix those flaws and build myself into a much stronger person. Its time to defeat the demon in me and show that I am wroth more and stronger then what I once believed.
These items have been mainly about my past, the errors I have made and how often I have brought myself just to knock myself down. I am noticing that must of my errors that I have made are that of my own. My very worse critic has been myself. My ultimate cause for destruction has been done by me. I have not been able to give myself a good appraisal and devalued myself so much that in my mind I have not been worth much. This inappropriate value has caused myself so many unneeded issues, problems and self inflected wounds. To be honest I am not sure why this has happened, nor unsure of what has made me this way. The one thing that I have noticed is that people give me a higher value then that I have given myself. I never understood why they did, or how they see me more then I see myself.
One thing that has been going through my head a lot is a question that I got asked during a polygraph, "Are your parents disappointed in you". I wanted to be so honest about this I told what I thought was the truth, and that was yes. I felt like I was failure to them because I was still home, because I haven't made anything of myself, the way my dad acted towards me. I keep on thinking that is one of the reasons I didn't make past, that one question was seen as a character flaw. I think that my mom saw that I fell into this belief. She keeps on telling me that she is proud of me, that I shouldn't put myself done. She knows I have made errors, yet she knows that I would do my best to correct those errors. I am finally realizing that my parents are proud of me and I need to fully understand that.
Over the course of this single blog, one could tell how often I wrote about "building myself up" and the next entry is how I fell apart. The falling apart was just caused by my own doing, my own wrecking ball, my own will. I have destroyed myself and rebuilt on that same ruble that I was destined to fall apart again do to my own destruction. I have learned my areas, and this time I am going to finally clear the ruble, find the foundation and build myself up properly. I know there are going to be some flaws, but I am going to fix those flaws and build myself into a much stronger person. Its time to defeat the demon in me and show that I am wroth more and stronger then what I once believed.
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